I haven’t been writing much, but I have certainly been thinking a lot about the blog recently. I’ve thought about where to go with it and whether or not I want to keep writing in this format. I’ve wondered what else I have left to say. Have I shared all of my insights? What do I write about when nothing is going on? Is it worth the tiny bits of criticism? They are few and far between but still biting because of my depression and anxiety. I have to work to push aside my fears that the critics are right. I have to put in effort to remember how insignificant those comments are in the grand scheme of things.
But I also think about all of you who have reached out to me over the last couple of years–old friends and new–encouraging and supporting both my health and my writing. I think about the 17 plus years I have struggled with this illness, and the last three years of relatively good health. I think about how even though I have stayed out of the immersive pit of a major depressive episode,I struggle daily to stay that way. Even though I’m winning the fight, I can’t ever stop fighting or I will lose. I think about how many of you have seen yourself or a loved one in my writing. I think about how man of us suffer from depression and anxiety. We are all different, but we are not alone. And I hope that telling my story helps people like me know that they are not alone.
So after all of this thinking, what is it that I want? I want to keep writing. I want to still have something significant to say. I want to continue to use my writing to bring awareness to mental illness, to encourage people to get help, and to inspire people to just keep fighting not matter what. I want to finish my next book and think about future book projects. I want to figure out how to be a confessional writer to a relatively small audience but still maintain some privacy. I want to better handle criticism in order to stop losing ground on my mental health when working on the blog. I want to keep getting better–to be a better daughter, wife, mother, friend, and person. I want to continue to learn and share.
I want to get back to writing daily. Whether or not this means blogging or something else, I don’t quite know. I want to be helpful and inspiring to those of you who need comfort or direction. I have a couple of post ideas rattling around in my head and plenty of work to do on my book manuscript. You all are a blessing to me, and I love the community we have built here, even if I’m not as present as I have been in the past. Be well and take care of yourselves.