I was just thinking about some of my goals for 2017: quit smoking, do more homework with my daughter, and keep my house under control. Those are doable but I’m dreading it. More restraint, more time, and more work. I also generally feel discontent with myself. Last year at this time, I had high expectations for myself. I had fought back an oncoming depressive episode, but before I could fully heal, 2016 happened and it’s been a tough balancing act since. I have lost control of everything except my daughter’s physical health and my mental health. Everything else has suffered for those two things. And to be honest–both of those could also be better controlled. I feel like I’ve just been staying afloat. And now I feel like I’m floating away from the center.
As long as I do some housework, homework, and don’t smoke I have succeeded today. But it feels empty. I’m quitting smoking mostly because of the guilt. I feel guilty for what it does to my health and budget. It sucks away money we need for insulin and food. I dread the guilt of potentially dying from a smoking related cause and leaving my daughter without me. She has separation anxiety just going to school. She would have a lot of difficulty with my absence. And I do our household budget. I watch the money drain away and I see the cuts I make elsewhere to fund cigarettes. The guilt is eating away at me.
Further, I have spent much of this year withdrawing from my life. It has escalated as the year has progressed. As it has become harder and harder to balance my mental health, I have been more tired–too tired to interact, too tired to focus. I spend less time with everyone and more time alone. The biggest problem with this is that I am spending less time with my daughter. I find it more difficult to play with her or focus on teaching her what she often misses in class due to medical issues. It’s hard and draining. She doesn’t want to do it; I don’t want to do it; it’s difficult, and I often give up.
I’m also either sleeping more lately or I’m too nervous to sleep. Usually I nap because I am sad, but if I’m generally anxious I toss and turn even at night. Either way, I’ve spent a lot of time in bed this year. My room is small and safe. My bed is comfortable, and I can close the door and curtains. I meditate a lot. This is good–I’ve been meditating everyday–but I have also been napping as a way to get through negative emotions. I spend so much time in my safe spot avoiding negativity and anxiety, that I admittedly neglect the rest of the house. The kitchen is the worst–we don’t have a dishwasher but we love to cook. My daughter likes to play in the living room more than her room despite my pleas that she not bring toys downstairs. It’s just crazy. And I try to ignore it for fear I’ll lose it. I do bits and pieces here and there, but out of sight, out of mind keeps me holed up in my room sitting or lying in the bed.
Basically I want to be a better person in 2017 because I dislike where I’m at. I feel like I have been treading water against the current for a year and I’ve got to move forward or I’ll give up completely. It’s a lot of pressure. I don’t really feel good about it. I’d rather not change. I’d rather give in. Which is a bit scary. I feel motivated to change not for myself but for others. I could just wilt away on my own. Bleh. I know I can feel better, so whatever. I’m going to keep working on these goals and expect to feel better if I do them. I hope to feel less guilty, less selfish, and less empty. I hope to feel more positivity generally. I plan to put in the work I can to make that possible. Still struggling, still fighting, still moving forward.