I need to work on the ebook this weekend; I’ve got the manuscript back with comments, but I haven’t yet worked through them, so any delay at this point is my fault. But it will happen. Depression, diabetes, life got in the way. Right now, I’ve been awake for an hour, sitting outside in the woods at the cabin we’re at this weekend. I’ve done my normal routine–get up early (before my daughter), get coffee, go outside, put on my headphones, and just be. Listening to music that reminds me of the wonders of each morning.
I love the morning. I either wake up happy or depressed–I never know what it will be–and I am very impressionable for the first hour or so. If I am happy, I must carefully maintain that happiness by spending time outside, with music, maybe writing. If I am depressed, sometimes good weather and time outside first thing can change my mood. And if I encounter something difficult first thing I can become depressed even if I woke up happy. It’s a balancing act based on consistency but flexibility.
So mornings are wonder-filled for me; I don’t know what a new day will hold. If I am depressed, sometimes I can sleep off hours of crying; sometimes not. Sometimes I have felt wonderful for days on end but one day wake up completely off balance. It just happens, and I have to do what I can to combat it. But going outside within 10 minutes of getting out of bed is my go to technique. Depending on the temperature, I will spend up to an hour just sitting on my back stoop (not even in a chair!) listening to music and writing. If it’s cold, I’ll stay until my fingers are too numb to type. It’s the best part of my day. I get lost; lose track of time; get fully consumed in the beauty of the present moment.
As a teenager, I slept in late every chance I could, but after having my daughter, loving late nights with wine turned into loving early morning quiet with coffee. I used to get up early to watch the news, then when I stopped obsessing over 24 hour news (which was bad for my mental health), I started watching a Netflix show or two in the morning. These days, more often than not, I’m listening to music. Today, it’s all upbeat hip hop; I want to reinforce the positivity I’m feeling rather than drown in some of the quicksand music of my past. I think there’s a place for both, though. Last night, sitting in the dark around a fire, we needed acoustic, soulful music to match the night, but this morning the sun is shining bright through all the trees, and I needed to feel strong. I needed to face the day confidently, and hip hop bravado does that for me.
I guess I could have gone the pop route, but when I write, I also want to be intellectually stimulated. So much pop music reinforces mainstream ideologies (redundant, I know), and, given my personality, I want something challenging. When I say I want to “just be” in the morning, I don’t mean just be centered–I mean be just be Laura Grace. And that means I want to think, feel, create. I jokingly say that my job is full-time Bohemianism, but, in grad school, I did personal research on British Bohemianism from the modernist period, and I do keep to some of their basic values. I want life to be about love, beauty, art, truth, freedom. I have this restless urge to be liberated and search for beauty through art. It’s probably naive, but it’s what makes me feel like living. As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized how political this all is. As a teenager, these feelings felt all emotional. I wanted to be a beatnik, and experience life simply to really feel. But now, I don’t feel like a soul out of place and time, but one of a long line of rebellion against capitalism. But that’s probably a little much for the blog…
I’m not sure if I’ll get to the book this weekend or not. It’s a beautiful day, I’m in the woods. I have plenty of music, one of my favorite books, and time. May your day be beautiful, and never doubt the power of a little sun in the morning.