When I started this blog, it felt like I had nothing to lose by speaking my truth. I felt like it might even save me. And it did contribute to my avoiding another depressive episode. I told a lot of secrets, was very open, and tried to use positivity to balance the raw honesty.
But things have changed. I said what I wanted to say; I allowed for the blog to move in a new direction; I was ready to continue my focused effort to keep my mental health in check. And then type 1 diabetes came along. And everything changed.
It will have been 11 weeks ago tomorrow that we got Ada’s diagnosis. At first, honestly, I was kicking ass and taking names. I was focused, in control, and capable. But I’ve run out of gas. I’ve been working on fumes, and I feel like I’m about to breakdown. I feel like we’re all about to breakdown. My wonderful little family. We’re all hurting. We’re stressed. We’re isolated. And we don’t want to ask for help because we feel like we ought to be able to do it on our own.
I can’t help but ask God, “Why?” I don’t understand why God would give a child that needs special care to a mother who can hardly keep her own shit together. Why would God put depression and diabetes together? My daughter deserves better. She deserves someone who can do it all, so why did God give her me?
I am having a harder time putting my usual positive spin on things. I find myself crying more and more often–grieving more rather than less. And I don’t know what to do to change it. I have lost so much emotional balance in order to maintain my daughter’s blood sugar balance.
I feel like I have to be stronger than I feel, and that I must put on a strong face despite how I feel. Even here. I’m drowning, but I feel like it’s my own fault for not being stronger. Somewhere, at some point I made a mistake and it caused this Sisyphean struggle. Or it’s just chance without purpose or meaning. Either one seems depressing.
So, it seems like I’m worse, but I feel like it’s just that being the same is getting harder. I am mentally under pressure, emotionally unbalanced, physically negligent, spiritually struggling. But I am getting every insulin shot and blood glucose test done, and I am counting every carbohydrate. And they’re all recorded in nice spreadsheets. I am doing that without fail.