It’s not getting easier. It’s getting tougher and I am not able to keep up which makes me feel guilty, secretive, and ashamed. I’m doing all of the basics–blood sugar checks and insulin shots–but nothing else. Or if other things are getting done it’s just a blur. Half of the time I can handle it but the other half (and increasingly more) of the time I feel like I’m drowning.
I think I might be losing it. All the hard work I put in, all the commitment, all of the patience has all been negated by life. Ada’s diabetes is out of my control. It just happened. Shit happens. But the timing has been jarring. Weeks after I successfully evaded a depressive episode and committed to refusing suicidal ideation, I am being tested to my limits. All of the things I had in place to maintain my health seem to have gone out the window. I need help. I can’t do all of this. I’m not doing it all, and I’m afraid of how little I have left in me before I crash.
So many times recently I have asked God why this is happening to us. I don’t think I can handle it, so why? It’s a stupid question, I know, but a deeply felt one. I am not sure how we are going to do this. We are all working hard but falling short of what we feel we ought to accomplish. Things are chaotic. I’m trying desperately to adjust. I don’t know how though. I just thought I might be free of depression and then it pulls me back in. Right now I don’t think I’ll ever get free, but that’s just right now.
24 hours later:
I refuse to keep feeling this way. I vow to take risks and make changes to keep from becoming depressed. I won’t let myself crash because my daughter needs me every day. I deserve a life; I deserve happiness. I did have a nice, healthy routine in place, and now that has disappeared. So, rather than pushing myself beyond my limits, I choose to be flexible and make choices that support my mental health rather than just meeting others’ needs and expectations.
After nearly a month of grieving the lifestyle we lost, I am ready to start rebuilding a new routine that accommodates Ada’s and my health needs. I can still be free from depression, it just may look differently now than I ever expected. As always, I will continue to keep you updated as I face the struggles around me. I won’t give up even if I have days where I want to.