I can’t believe this is happening to me. It’s starting to sink in a little. I feel tired and robotic–like I’m just going through the motions and that it will always be like that or at least for many years. It’s true that this daily care task will continue for a long time, but will I be able to find time for myself? Is that a selfish question?
It’s okay for me to feel this way; I’m allowed to feel a little bad because something crappy happened to my family. But that validation doesn’t make me feel much better. And I have to experience it; I can’t continually deny what we lost and what we gained. I’ve repeatedly said that this is like having a new, totally unexpected baby but with lots of needles. Every time I feed her I have to cause her minor pain before and after. She doesn’t cry but always says, “ow, that hurt!” It sucks. I know I’m complaining a lot, but it is truly rotten. No kid should have to do this (or face any other serious medical condition). It isn’t fair.
What I have to be careful of is falling down the rabbit hole of the injustice of juvenile type 1 diabetes. I can’t focus on the pain, the restrictions, the responsibility, the complications, the hypothetical crises, the cost. I have to focus on the present task. Keeping Ada healthy. If my problems processing her diagnosis and new normal get in the way of caring for her, then I will have failed myself. I choose to take the role of primary caretaker–I want to give the shots, prick her finger, chart her food, search for patterns. I want to stay on top and ahead of this monster.
With my own depression, I described the oncoming episode as a giant wave. I used medication and skills to stay ahead of it, and I guess I’m trying to do the same thing here. If I can control her diet and exercise and give her her medications, then maybe we can avoid complications. Of course, it isn’t a magic formula and there are no guarantees. We just have to do our best. Just like I did with my escape from the looming wave of my 6th depressive episode. It didn’t hit me. I worked hard and avoided drowning. I made major strides in my personal thinking (I’m still adamantly refusing suicidal thinking!), and I came out stronger than I went in. This could be the same although I expect bumps along the way. I’ll keep fighting; I hope all of you are still bravely fighting your battles. Hard work, expert help, positive thinking, and faith can get you through. ❤️