Running From A Wave

  
I can’t believe this is happening to me. It’s starting to sink in a little. I feel tired and robotic–like I’m just going through the motions and that it will always be like that or at least for many years. It’s true that this daily care task will continue for a long time, but will I be able to find time for myself? Is that a selfish question?
It’s okay for me to feel this way; I’m allowed to feel a little bad because something crappy happened to my family. But that validation doesn’t make me feel much better. And I have to experience it; I can’t continually deny what we lost and what we gained. I’ve repeatedly said that this is like having a new, totally unexpected baby but with lots of needles. Every time I feed her I have to cause her minor pain before and after. She doesn’t cry but always says, “ow, that hurt!” It sucks. I know I’m complaining a lot, but it is truly rotten. No kid should have to do this (or face any other serious medical condition). It isn’t fair. 
What I have to be careful of is falling down the rabbit hole of the injustice of juvenile type 1 diabetes. I can’t focus on the pain, the restrictions, the responsibility, the complications, the hypothetical crises, the cost. I have to focus on the present task. Keeping Ada healthy. If my problems processing her diagnosis and new normal get in the way of caring for her, then I will have failed myself. I choose to take the role of primary caretaker–I want to give the shots, prick her finger, chart her food, search for patterns. I want to stay on top and ahead of this monster. 
With my own depression, I described the oncoming episode as a giant wave. I used medication and skills to stay ahead of it, and I guess I’m trying to do the same thing here. If I can control her diet and exercise and give her her medications, then maybe we can avoid complications. Of course, it isn’t a magic formula and there are no guarantees. We just have to do our best. Just like I did with my escape from the looming wave of my 6th depressive episode. It didn’t hit me. I worked hard and avoided drowning. I made major strides in my personal thinking (I’m still adamantly refusing suicidal thinking!), and I came out stronger than I went in. This could be the same although I expect bumps along the way. I’ll keep fighting; I hope all of you are still bravely fighting your battles. Hard work, expert help, positive thinking, and faith can get you through. ❤️

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One thought on “Running From A Wave

  1. You said it well Laura Grace. All the emotions are real and what we all feel especially at times when disease is the problem. I made up my mind when I was faced with breast cancer it would not define me. I have heard said “my cancer”. Well I will never take possession of something the enemy is behind! The enemy comes to rob, kill, and destroy, but Jesus comes to rescue, redeem, and restore. He is the source of our strength, our healing. He still can do miracles today. His desire is for us to love Him first with all your heart. Trust His plan when we dont’t understand, and know He cares and is walking with you through this. This stuff we deal with here on earth stinks and it is never easy. How we handle things is what it all about. Trust me when I say It will get easier and become more routine. All your feelings are normal and it seems when going through something life threatening we think the worse. The Hope for healing is Jesus and He may bring a medical cure or choose to heal in a divine way. Keep on keeping on this brings perseverance and strength. Jesus and you can do it!!! Ada is young and will be stronger for it. She is resilient! Your strength will be her strength and hope for better days ahead. You and Ada, and Jim will continue to be in my prayers for God’s grace to be sufficient! Love ya, Sharon

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