Control and Intention

Ada threw up last night. I had almost forgotten–I was so tired when it happened–but her numbers were low this morning and I remembered. She hardly ever throws up, and it is usually from high fat foods, but last night she had a pretty healthy dinner. And I have to be more cautious now to avoid ketones or dehydration.
This has been a lot to take in, and I am realizing how much more I am craving to be in control of Ada’s life. I want to be with her all the time to notice any change in her body or behavior. I know when and what she eats, when she goes to the bathroom, when she rests, when she’s active. I want to know all these things to better understand her. I want to be her life-line.
But I can’t have complete control. I’m also trying to teach her how to be a citizen in the world, and that means letting her experience things away from me. It’s just hard because no one could possibly care about her wellbeing more than I do. She is so precious to me.
I am pretty good in crises outside my own head, and as long as I can ignore my own demons, I tend to get super focused on doing what needs to be done. But my brain is also now telling me I need that control over Ada’s life. That, if I don’t have it, something bad will happen. This sounds bad, but it is actually the first real negative emotion I have even tried to process since the diagnosis. I have used my mindfulness skills to push away thoughts that I didn’t want to think, but I’ve been in a sort of denial. I strive to live in the present, and have only focused on the now, but I must also plan for the future, and I can’t help but think of the recent past when none of this existed for us. I have to accept my situation rather than just acting on it.
I asked God to help me be more intentional in my life this year, and, man, has he given me a serious opportunity to be incredibly intentional. Everything I do with and for Ada is an intentional choice regarding her health. But I am ready for the challenge. I am encouraged by my abilities thus far; I am trying to be more intentional about processing my feelings. I am stronger than I realized.


One thought on “Control and Intention

  1. It seems we never know how strong we are until we are tested. These times strengthen our faith and our inadequacy is how we depend on God to not just help out but take over. He knows what we need and this will get easier. Once she is regulated. Prayer is always the answer to draw on His power not ours. He will equip you Laura Grace. Your deep love for Ada will push you to persevere. Praying daily for ya’ll!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s