Ada threw up last night. I had almost forgotten–I was so tired when it happened–but her numbers were low this morning and I remembered. She hardly ever throws up, and it is usually from high fat foods, but last night she had a pretty healthy dinner. And I have to be more cautious now to avoid ketones or dehydration.
This has been a lot to take in, and I am realizing how much more I am craving to be in control of Ada’s life. I want to be with her all the time to notice any change in her body or behavior. I know when and what she eats, when she goes to the bathroom, when she rests, when she’s active. I want to know all these things to better understand her. I want to be her life-line.
But I can’t have complete control. I’m also trying to teach her how to be a citizen in the world, and that means letting her experience things away from me. It’s just hard because no one could possibly care about her wellbeing more than I do. She is so precious to me.
I am pretty good in crises outside my own head, and as long as I can ignore my own demons, I tend to get super focused on doing what needs to be done. But my brain is also now telling me I need that control over Ada’s life. That, if I don’t have it, something bad will happen. This sounds bad, but it is actually the first real negative emotion I have even tried to process since the diagnosis. I have used my mindfulness skills to push away thoughts that I didn’t want to think, but I’ve been in a sort of denial. I strive to live in the present, and have only focused on the now, but I must also plan for the future, and I can’t help but think of the recent past when none of this existed for us. I have to accept my situation rather than just acting on it.
I asked God to help me be more intentional in my life this year, and, man, has he given me a serious opportunity to be incredibly intentional. Everything I do with and for Ada is an intentional choice regarding her health. But I am ready for the challenge. I am encouraged by my abilities thus far; I am trying to be more intentional about processing my feelings. I am stronger than I realized.