I finally started reading the book I mentioned in my last post. I’m 20 pages in, and it feels really heavy because it rings so true. She really gets what it’s like to live for a really extended period of life thinking about your own death. It’s awful and comforting at the same time. It’s excruciating but terribly persuasive. It’s really hard to describe, but if you’ve lived it you probably get it. And this author gets it–even more than me. She’s struggled through the darkness and continues to survive.
I once met a man who was chronically depressed with suicidal ideation. He was asking about a certain treatment I had tried. He discreetly asked me, “Does it make the thoughts go away?” and I knew exactly what he meant–suicidal thoughts. I could see how they weighed on him. I could see myself in him, and I understood where he was. I told him what I could about the treatment, but I felt sad for his burden–one I knew myself.
I think it is important that we somehow share our mental health stories so that we can find each other and come together to reinforce that we are not alone. We are suffering from a common illness that can be survived with help. This book I’m reading–Just Because You’re Suicidal Doesn’t Mean You’re Crazy! by Randi J. Jensen–as heavy as it is, empowers me to fight. Seeing another fighter–a champion–share her darkest moments with such honesty is encouraging. I, too, can face this. I can live through this.
I’m starting to make my plan, with my husband, for saying goodbye to suicidal ideation in my own life. This book is definitely helping. I’m trying to save a little money to make it special, so that will take some time, but I’m trying not to put it off too long. It will be significant, and I can’t wait to tell you how it goes. I’ll also keep you posted on my progress with the book; I can already tell it’s a good one.