It’s November in western Washington, but this morning is crisp and clear. A blue sky this time of year, and for the next few months, is a gift. So I’m taking advantage of it, like a good Northwesterner, sitting on my back stoop before 8:00 am in 38 degree temperatures. I’m bundled up watching my dog and older cat sniff around the yard, writing, and listening to music on my headphones. Soaking up this peaceful moment.
Moments like this have been hard to come by the last few days–gray and rainy outside my home and inside my head. I expect this feeling to last until I get my medication refilled/adjusted, but I do have a doctor’s appointment made, so all I have to do is hang on for a few more weeks.
Something amazing has been happening though. I haven’t been crying too much, just feeling empty and worthless. My daughter knows I’m not feeling well, but she hasn’t seen me terribly distressed in the last few days. However, she has been showering me with love. She told me she loved me probably 30 times yesterday. But she didn’t leave it at that. She told me, “I love you more than the whole world” and ” I love you more than myself.” Then she emphatically told me several times, “I love you for who you ARE.” Wow. How does my 6 year old know this kind of love? How does she know to say these words to me now when I need them so desperately? And she wouldn’t stop. She wasn’t concerned or desperate, just emphatic and determined. My tiny daughter exhibited such strength and clarity as she spoke to me. But I could tell she felt words weren’t quite enough to express the depth of her feeling, so she just kept trying to tell me more. She’s one of the few who can get through to me right now. She gives me hope and a vision for the future. When I want to give up, I think about how deeply she loves me. I have to keep going because, if nothing else, that kind of love is worth fighting for. Worth fighting to preserve.
By all counts, I probably would have never found the right moment–financially and health-wise–to have a child, but I always wanted one. I think of her as an unexpected but perfectly timed gift. I can’t handle the larger family I wanted as a child, but God saw fit to bless me with the most magical child. I don’t know how I could keep going without her. My husband loves me deeply, but I can see the weight of the burdens he carries for me. He and my parents have to constantly rescue me, but my daughter saves me simply by existing. She is patient with my need for rest; she lays in the bed with me quietly playing games on the ipad when I have to lay down. She helps heal me without understanding why I’m suffering.
Despite my struggles, I’m trying to bask in the sunlight around me when I can. Whether it be sitting outside on a beautiful day or just recognizing the light coming from a loved one, there is hope. For me it’s not hard to find, my beautiful daughter can’t help but shine brightly, and I am so blessed to feel her warmth.