So much emptiness. I’ve been awake for 2 hours and have felt well only momentarily when I greeted my daughter. I feel like I’m trapped in stone and nothing can get through. But inside I’m churning. Uneasiness and discomfort trapped in stone. All I can feel is my own feelings; none of the potential happiness I am feeding myself gets through the exterior to calm my uneasiness.
My first attempts to find a psychiatrist and get better medication were met with rejection–no new patients across the board. As the supply of medication I have quickly dwindles, I know I cannot wait, but the fall seems inevitable. I feel like a lost cause. My depression tells me to just let go. And part of me wants to. To just be rather than always struggle. Am I too young to wither away?
I have this terrible habit of thinking about my own monetary value. How much I cost monthly versus how much my family could save without me. It’s awful. I have trouble trying to justify the high cost of the medications that seem to work for me since I don’t make any money. I know it’s foolish. I know. It’s just another way my depression tries to con me, but I have to admit that it’s pretty efficient.
But I am in here. I am struggling inside this stone tomb. I can hear myself calmly saying amidst all the noise, “Just keep going.” I know it’s a fight of endurance and all I have to do is fight this moment. I won’t decide my fate today, I’ll just keep going through the tears for now. One foot in front of the other.