Trapped in Stone

image

So much emptiness. I’ve been awake for 2 hours and have felt well only momentarily when I greeted my daughter. I feel like I’m trapped in stone and nothing can get through. But inside I’m churning. Uneasiness and discomfort trapped in stone. All I can feel is my own feelings; none of the potential happiness I am feeding myself gets through the exterior to calm my uneasiness.

My first attempts to find a psychiatrist and get better medication were met with rejection–no new patients across the board. As the supply of medication I have quickly dwindles, I know I cannot wait, but the fall seems inevitable. I feel like a lost cause. My depression tells me to just let go. And part of me wants to. To just be rather than always struggle. Am I too young to wither away?

I have this terrible habit of thinking about my own monetary value. How much I cost monthly versus how much my family could save without me. It’s awful. I have trouble trying to justify the high cost of the medications that seem to work for me since I don’t make any money. I know it’s foolish. I know. It’s just another way my depression tries to con me, but I have to admit that it’s pretty efficient.

But I am in here. I am struggling inside this stone tomb. I can hear myself calmly saying amidst all the noise, “Just keep going.” I know it’s a fight of endurance and all I have to do is fight this moment. I won’t decide my fate today, I’ll just keep going through the tears for now. One foot in front of the other.

Advertisements

One thought on “Trapped in Stone

  1. Do you remember that Christmas special about the misfit toys? There’s a song about putting one foot in front of the other. It’s silly, but it made me smile to think of it. And that’s what we need, yes? The occasional smile, the pat on the shoulder, the eye contact–the bits of reality sneaking into our stone tombs are what keeps us putting one foot in front of the other. Keep walking, Sister! We need you.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s